Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Class photos, new kicks, peonies.

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Edda is graduating from middle school this year and transitioning to high school.  They must have taken the big, wide class photo a few weeks ago. I hadn't heard about it because Edda tells me nothing, but it was just last week when I was rummaging through her backpack that I found the order form for the photo.   I ordered the photo because I like to suffer for no good reason. Now these photos always kind of kill me, a slash across my already broken heart, because no matter how well meaning everyone is, they are always a little off.  A reminder how it wasn't suppose to be this way.  I'm generally OK with Edda being Edda, but there are moments when I'm taken aback and the breath kind of knocked out of me how much we've gone through.  I remember when Edda was first diagnosed and I was wild with grief and fear and anger that I told myself that I would give it five years and reassess the family.  If it was still terrible then, then I would put into action some drastic, irrational, emotional plan.  But we made it past those first five years and then the next five years.  I know that Rett girls know more than they let on, but I actually find much comfort in thinking that Edda doesn't quite fully know (or at all) what she is missing.  I'm comforted that she is not in pain, she is generally insanely happy and knows that she is loved and loves the things that she gets to do and that (I think) does not constantly yearn for what she does not have.  I constantly yearn for what I do not have.  Somedays I can tamp it down a little and what I do not have is a chocolate chip cookie and other days (though much fewer now more than a decade removed from her diagnosis), especially when it comes to thinking about Edda, I think I've lost everything and yearn for all the things that Edda (and I) will never have. So above is her class photo, the only kiddo in a wheelchair, pretty much left center front in the photo.  It would have been nice to find a willing kid to stand next to her and have him or her stand up and help hold her up, but that's hard to do in middle school.  Below is her elementary school photo which is better because she's not in her wheelchair and they got her in a regular row of kids, but the two kids sitting next to her are leaning ever so slightly away from her.  I get it, I probably would have done the same thing.  Parents, if you ever want to make another parent's heart sing, just ask your kid to fling their arm over the special needs kid in a casual, friendly side hug in the class photo and smile wide.  Such a small thing!  But really, really hard to do.

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Tonight we had our first family meal on our newly refinished table.  Jeremy has some quibbles about it, some cross-grain sanding marks, some drip marks on the side, some tiny bubbles on the finish.  But I'm like - it's fantastic!  I love it! Let's eat!

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Vince continues on his unending shoe collection.  One night of babysitting = a new pair of kicks.

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My peonies are about to bloom.  But it's suppose to rain this whole week, so they will bloom and then be pelted down by rain and then they will be gone.

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